The Thoughts In Constant Loop In My Head
July 24th, 2008Bruce seems to have this knack of calling me the minute I am feeling that little bit more sane and just making me upset about our breakup all over again.
I left the yummy kebaby mummy’s place feeling a little more chirpy only to get a call from him.
He keeps saying he’s hurting too. He keeps saying he still loves me - he loved me as a girlfriend but not as a wife.
But really - you don’t hurt the person you love. Nor do you give up on them.
And he did both.
So excuse me for not being inclined to believe him.
Which of course makes him annoyed. And makes him tell me that he loves having me around… yet he doesn’t want to be with me for the rest of his life? What the hell does that mean? Seriously?
Honestly, I’m at the stage where I think that he does not even have a clue about how much I love him. He has no idea about the depth of my feelings. Which is why it really, really hurts to hear him say he loves me yet do all this crap which contradicts what he supposedly feels.
It’s all about how HE made the decision. Which sounds painfully patriarchal - which is not the Bruce I know. The Bruce I know is all about treating people fairly. He makes sure things are fair and amend things when they are not.
Just not in this scenario.
He could not even give us a chance. Not one chance. 4 years and 8 months did not mean enough for him to try and salvage it. God Nadia, how could you love a man you meant absolutely nothing to? You idiot.
He keeps saying he hasn’t had enough sleep. What about me? What about the fact that the last three weeks have seen my motivation spiral - I lost my appetite (and consequently nearly blacked out at the gym), I’ve lost interest in work, I’ve lost the impetus to get off my butt and work out. Nothing seems worthwhile any more because my life has suddenly lost all meaning and logic.
My god. This pain. I would not wish it on my worst enemy because it has truly shattered my core and really shaken up my self-esteem and my self-belief.
It’s not just about the immediate heartache but the damage to the future me. The fact that the next man to come into my life will not have the same luxury Bruce has had - the unconditional trust, the unreserved expressions of love. No more because this hurt has raised the barriers and made the heart cynical.
I nearly snorted at work today. My manager said that if she was in my shoes, she would not have gone ahead with the party and that she thus thinks that I have amazing inner strength. God. If she could only listen to everything going through my mind right now. She’d surely change her mind.
I don’t think he truly gets how much hurt he’s caused - and I’m not sure he even cares. Heck, he probably wouldn’t even give a toss if I stopped contacting him. He’d just not bother trying to contact me and say that he didn’t think I wanted him to call. I don’t think he’ll care if I completely disappeared from his life.
As morbid as this sounds, I really do want to slip into a coma right now. My heart is in this strange hell. It’s aching from how much I miss Bruce and how much I wish we were still together. It’s consumed by anger for what he’s done to me, what he’s reduced me to. It is poisoned by cynicism. And it feels like it’s tearing at the seams from all the hurt that it is having trouble containing.
Someone. Something. Anybody. Anything. Just please release me from this pain.







