Sep 03
Metamucil for My Brain
I think one of the most commonly desired characteristic of a relationship is honesty. Ask someone what they want and the most likely answer is that they want an open, honest relationship where there is communication, where you can be yourself, where you can talk to the other person about anything under the sun.
But here’s the irony.
There are clear stages in courtship and dating where honesty is not part of the equation.
When we preen for our partners for the night, or brand new lovers. We withold the truth about our past. We do this dance cautiously – we want to show off our fancy moves while trying to avoid stepping on the other person’s toes.
Usually as the relationship progresses, the facade slips away. Appearances aren’t as important. You “discover” that your partner farts, has morning breath and actually goes to the toilet. We become less concerned about winning their approval because we are assured that we are accepted for who we are. And that’s when we let go.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being totally honest. People hide their true feelings. People kid themselves into believing that they still love their partner even though their attraction to someone else clearly shows that something’s gone awry. People sneak around behind their partners’ backs. People still stalk their exes online to find out about their life.
And obviously all this happens without the partner knowing. Usually because they know the partner will be heartbroken, at the very least. Usually it happens for selfish reasons – they know they have a good thing and they don’t want to lose it. But I think it mostly happens because people innately lean to wanting to be the good guy – we can’t stand the idea of being the villain and try our best to justify our actions. It’s hard to admit your shortcomings, it’s horrible being the bad guy, it’s not fun being held accountable.
But partners find out eventually. And when they do, the dynamics never return to what they used to be. And they don’t deserve to because no one should ever have to find themselves in a relationship marred by lies and omissions.
If you can’t be dead honest with the people you love… maybe you don’t love them after all. Maybe you’re too caught up in reaping the benefits of the relationship to realise that you don’t truly care about their feelings. That you don’t care about crafting a mutually respectful relationship.
I’ve seen that mistake play out in front of me so many times. I’ve been the recipient and (shamefully) the one who doled out such bullshit. Regardless of my role in the situations, I should have been honest with myself (at the very least) and seen the scenarios as they were – that they were a blatant indicator of the inequity of the relationship. That there was a clear lack of open communication, that something somewhere was wrong and that I needed out.
I was scared of being honest because I thought I had something to lose – when on hindsight, there wasn’t anything worth holding on to. If you’re doing something you know your partner will be upset about yet can still bring yourself to not just do it but cover it up… what kind of love is that?
I’m not a fan of repeating my mistakes and so I endeavour to be honest. Because the best thing you can do for the people you love is to let them have the whole truth and nothing but the truth. At the very least, they deserve the choice of loving you, flaws and all, instead of being manoeuvered into a relationship they may not otherwise be in.
Besides, I want to be loved for me. I don’t want to have to hide the dark and twisties, the crazy dancing, the potty mouth and the feistiness. I’m not all good bits. And neither is anyone else, quite frankly.
Are you being honest?
Sep 02
General Nonsense salsa
To say I’ve been hitting the salsa scene pretty hard is an understatement. This week alone, I think I’ll be out and about for 4 socials. Although technically, if you count classes, then I’ll be out salsa-ing 5 times a week.
It’s good because it means lots of practice. I do lots of salsa and I try to make sure I’m on the floor for every Bachata, seeing how they’re few and far between.
I think I might have hit a bit of a plateau though, in terms of improving. But that’s my own fault. I’m doing better at timing (I think) and I’ve been practising stylings but I really need to work on that basic.
I’ve noticed that the little reminders that would pop in my head previously, have gone a little quiet. I need to get back into the habit of it. Small steps. Barbie arms. Egghands. Stay in line. Don’t predict.
Much work to do. Much much work to do.
Enough talk. Have another photo:
This time I’m smiling. My eyes are open. And my hair is down. But what’s with the awkward looking arms?? Arrrgh.
And so the quest for the perfect photo of me being dipped continues.
Sigh.
Sep 01
General Nonsense
Yes yes, I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet on the blog.
But I’ve been zonked since Saturday and I’ve not caught up on my sleep. It’s really been affecting my mood and I very nearly lost it with someone* on Monday night. And I forgot to bring my handbag to work today so I had to wait to be let in to the office *face palm*. 
*who would have totally deserved it because he was being disruptive while Chris was teaching the class a new move. Which was bad enough but the fact that he was then unable to lead me through said move (despite being an advanced student) made the whole situation infuriating.
There’s been a lot on my plate lately. Aside from the salsa, there’s lots of things I need to do:
- investigate web hosting and deal with domain issues. Fun. Not.
- write that Singlish entry – I really want to do this, it’s been awhile since I’ve done something pseudo-intellectual on this blog. Fun. If not for the fact that I want to do it properly and dive into my research, which involves…
- Trawling through my box of uni stuff. Because I have written a proper essay on pragmatic particles (lah, meh, etc) in Singlish so I need to refer to that… and the accompanying notes/readings which formed the basis of my essay.
- read through council paperwork for a social event
- taxes. argh. Even though I know I will be getting a tax return.
- baking for hari raya…
- and on that note, work on mom’s festive side because I’ve been banned from experimenting with hari raya favourites. But it ain’t Eid without the smell of butter and sugar being whipped up in the kitchen!
- get wardrobe in order so that I have an excuse to buy more things. hahaha. Seriously though, my room is an absolute warzone because I’m in the middle of sorting through my ten million and one clothes. Blah.
- top secret project which I will not go into details here in general consumption land.
I should probably cut down on the social salsa so that I can get all the above done but I need the exercise (since I’ve been lazy and not been gymming at all for the past few months) and my feet are always itching for a dance. Even though I can barely feel my toes right now.
So yea, thousand apologies for the dry spell. It may go on for a little longer.
In the meantime… have a photo. My favourite from Saturday – I might make it my new profile photo on facebook. Thoughts?
Pity about the facial expression though.
And I wish Eduardo also took one from the side so that you can see that I was balanced on one leg while my other leg was raised. I think it would have looked awesome. It felt like an awesome dip.
But I like this photo anyway. I look booby. Hahaha. Typical.
Ok bye!
xox
Nadie
Aug 30
General Nonsense
I know my current facebook status indicates that I am a right crankypants at the moment. Namely because I am absolutely knackered. And you know I’m really drained when I actually get round to admitting it. I’m also crabby because of a few minor irritations but hey, I’ve always got something on my mind, so that’s nothing new.
All that aside, despite my current overbearing desire to just whack something (or someone), I’m actually finding myself breaking out into silly grins today.
Little moments keep popping in my head and savouring each and every one of them is keeping me awake this morning. Little moments of cheekiness, platonic banter and muck ups on the dancefloor.
Ahhh it was a good weekend.
And I can’t wait for the weekend again 
Aug 29
General Nonsense salsa
So sue me. I’ve been quiet.
I know I endeavour to update daily but I’ve been so busy and so bushed that the last thing I want to do is sit at the computer and type.
I was so tired and cranky this morning that I locked the kitty out of the room because she was making a ruckus while playing with a plastic bag on the floor.
But enough about my lack of sleep.
Bachata today was awesome. Although, one move reminded me so much of salsa that I broke into a salsa basic, mid-bachata. Oops.
Chris was teasing me while we were learning hooks but I think I managed to do it pretty well. I like them hooks.
Basically, it involves someone using their leg (typically the right, the one in the middle of the other person’s legs) to kick outwards in a hook motion, so that the foot is aimed towards their left knee.
At first I was really worried about my thigh kicking my partner’s bits. But then I got over that and found it trickier when my partner’s calf was larger.
Technicalities aside, I think I like stylings, particularly if they involve using the legs. I love the hooks in bachata just like how I love doing the flares in salsa.
Now I just need to find someone to bachata with on a regular basis.
Aug 25
Weighty Issues Weighty Issues, wtf moments
I was pretty happy today when I jumped on the Tanita before breaking my fast. I may have put on 0.4kg from my last weigh in (which I am not worried about in the slightest) but my fat percentage has decreased (I lost 0.3kg of fat) and my muscle mass has increased by more than half a kilo. Which basically means I’m leaner. Yay me!
But what really had me chuckling was when I looked through my records… and realised that I was more hydrated today, smack in the middle of fasting month, than I was prior to the start of Ramadhan.
I must be doing a really good job of hydrating myself during breakfast. Hmm.
Go figure.
Aug 25
General Nonsense salsa
So I didn’t get cake. AGAIN.
It didn’t help that the cafe J and I wanted to go to was closed. As was Dome. So we ended up trotting over to Gelare in the cold and sitting outside in the cold and eating waffles with cold ice cream. Did I mention it was cold?
So not only did I not get cake (although half price waffles with evil syrup and whipped cream were mmm)… but I didn’t get chocolate either because as usual, I couldn’t resist the Wild Strawberry ice cream. I could have been an absolute pig and gotten raspberry sorbet too but I decided to be good. Heh.
I did, however, get awesome conversation with J. It’s quite uncanny how similar we both are. I guess it helps that we’re both Scorpios so we share similar characteristics. Like the fact that we’re both hug whores (which makes for really satisfying squishing). And the fact that we seem to have this innate ability to attract drama whether we like it or not (although whether we subconciously sabotage serenity remains debatable). It made for good yakking and at the end of it, a fantastic smoosh. I was a happy girly.
And salsa was good too. I may complain about it but I loved that I was dancing till my toes were numb. There were a few people I didn’t get the chance to dance with but I managed to keep myself sufficiently occupied.
I actually spent a lot of my time dancing with Michael last night. I didn’t mean to monopolise him but I tend to gravitate towards him because we have a pretty solid dance relationship. I think I’m my most comfortable dancing salsa with him.
We have this somewhat symbiotic thing going on – that’s my theory anyway. I have become familiar with most of his repertoire (because of dancing with him and because I’ve picked them up in class) which gives me the opportunity to focus on refining my steps instead of worrying about catching the next cue. I guess because of this, I’ve become very comfortable in following his lead. This comfort level in combination with our similar attitudes towards learning is what, I suspect, makes him comfortable with using me as his guinea pig for the new stuff he’s learnt. So we always have a good laugh whenever we mess up, we always have fun when we dance.
Last night was no exception. We tried a few moves which had us tangled up and me laughing my head off at my utter uselessness in the situation. We managed to nail the new moves a couple of times but these couple of times were few and far between.
I got to practise my flares and when I remembered, tried incorporating the styling that I learnt on Monday. I think I did better at the flares. I still feel like I was a bit jumpy but at least I’m extending my leg more and I’m more conscious of bending my knee.
My styling, on the other hand, was a half pass. I still ended up styling too late resulting in lame half-extended arm. Oh… and because I was rushing, my movement wasn’t as crisp as I would have liked it to be. It was too wobbly. Bah.
I was happy to get to dance with Gerard, although for some reason he always seems to make me burst into the giggles. He’s always fantastic for a few hints and tips. I try to remember them but it will take time to internalise.
Left The Mustang at midnight and had a good chat with Michael about stuff before heading home to unload on the blog and concuss in peace.
Tonight’s my only night off from salsa. But I’ve been busy busy anyway. Work, lots of errands and chores.
And now I am about ready to revert to the university student custom of resting my head on the keyboard. Zzzz.
Aug 25
General Nonsense
When 2010 started, I told myself that it would be my year.
MY year.
A year where I would be selfish and not give a damn about what people think. When I would only care about meeting my own expections and criteria. If something or someone didn’t meet it, I wouldn’t settle. I demanded that I seek only the best for myself because I bloody well deserve it.
2010 would most importantly, be the year where I would take risks. I would jump in and try new things. I would not care about getting burnt because frankly, I couldn’t foresee anything topping the shit of 2009. Overcoming all that made me feel invincible the minute 2010 rolled around, the second I made that resolution about 2010 being my year.
And it has been in many ways. I am very pleased with the things I’ve done this year, truth be told. There are few regrets because of the Nike attitude.
But lately, I think I’ve lost my way a little.
Just a teensy bit.
I found myself to be the weak, helpless Nadia who I absolutely despise. The Nadia who would drive herself batty thinking and hemming and hawing. The Nadia who would run around in circles, absolutely bonkers from thinking too much. I hate it because I know I am better than that yet I still found myself in that mode.
But I think maybe tonight, I might have got the kick in the bum I need.
Because if there’s one thing that can trigger the fire, if there’s one thing that can make me sit up, take notice and want to fight back….
You know what, I’m not even going to talk about it now. It just makes me mad trying to recount the details, let alone blog about it. And I don’t wanna waste the awesome night of salsa dancing (which I will blog about soon, don’t you worry) and all the good it did my soul.
Just know that she’s back with a vengeance. And if you don’t like it… tough.
Aug 24
General Nonsense quickie, yum
I am absolutely dying for cake. I’ve been craving it something cruel for the last week or so. Which really isn’t good when you’re fasting.
At the moment I’m thinking either Secret Recipe’s Oreo Cheesecake or Chocolate Banana Fudge cake. Or that evil Jupiter cake from Canele (check out their “Catalogue”).
Maybe with a side of my favourite orange caramel macarons?
Or possibly all of the above. God, thinking about tackling them all at once is sending shivers down my sugar-addicted spine. Maybe I need to revisit the chocolate buffet at the Fullerton…
Okay back to the topic.
I was too tired to swing into King Street cafe last night but thankfully, I’ll be able to get my sugar fix tonight. And I’ve managed to recruit a cake companion so that I may enjoy my guilty pleasure with a side of good conversation.
The icing on the cake (sorry I couldn’t resist)? After what I’m sure will be another night of awesome, fluid chatter… I get to dance the cake off. Whoo!
Tonight’s gonna be a good night. It is it is it is!
Aug 23
General Nonsense salsa
I may have started Level 2 with Chris but don’t go thinking my ego’s inflated because of the level up. If anything, I felt like even more of a dunce than I did when I was doing Level 1.
I am totally sucking at left hand turns. Like totally totally sucking. I think I’m going to have to corner Michelle one of these days and get her to show me how she does the left hand turn so that I can have a better idea of how to do it. I think I’ve got it sussed out but at the moment it all still feels a little strange to me. I’m not sure if I’m doing it right.
In any case, trying to do them left hand turns stuffed up my warm ups which really frustrated the hell out of me. It’s like I could do everything else but the minute I stuffed up them left hand turns, I lose focus and have to stop for a minute to try and get back into the warm up. Arghnus Maximus!!
We also did hand styling and flares today. Which I can do perfectly, in isolation. But the moment it’s part of a routine, all hell breaks loose.
Okay I exaggerate a little. I think I did okay on the pattern today. I just kept forgetting the third time I’m meant to hand style. Which is bad enough. But what’s worse is when I remember but it’s too late – so my hand does not get to travel to the top of my head. Instead, my hand is very elegantly cocked at the wrist at my ear. BAH.
I think I also need to reduce the jumpiness of my flare. I’ve been sort of doing flares on the social scene but I hadn’t actually learnt the technical aspects of it. When I’m lead into a flare, I usually just point my leg out
- take a step back with the supporting right leg
- bend knee and lower yourself on said support leg.
- extend left leg and make sure heel is not showing for maximum lengthening effect
- keep back straight, don’t lean back
And from what I recall, I’m meant to do this sometime between the 8 count and the 1 count. Fabulous. I think I need to calm the heck down and try to remember to not jump into position.
I’m quite glad that I didn’t get the chance to do a turn with Chris. I’m sure I would have completely collapsed in a pathetic heap from trying to execute everything perfectly.
Oh well… more moves to practise on the dancefloor and possibly flub up spectacularly! Yay me!
Lots of work to do Nadia. Lots of work.
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